I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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