So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
