guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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