Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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