Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
