it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
