Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
