Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
