It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
