How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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