You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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