just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
