i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
