4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
