i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
