i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Come on in and take your pants off
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