He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
