The maid of honor just puked.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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