I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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