Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
