After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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