when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
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I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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