party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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