Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
