when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize