well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
