oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
