I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
