I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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