you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
