this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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