Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
