Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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