The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
