Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
