Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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