dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She's like a pop up book from hell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
