Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
