I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
