u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
