not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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