The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
