just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
