she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
