Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
