i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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