I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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