They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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