I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
