i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
