There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need to sanitize my soul.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
