dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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