I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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