Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
