After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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