I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
