Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
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I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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