before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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