I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
