and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
