Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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