I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
