she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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