If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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