Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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